Reason: LOLLIPOP!
by MidnightSapphire15
Summary: These are a few of the ideas I had to torture, annoy, destroy, embarrass... well whatever, to some of the Harry Potter characters. I hope you enjoy! T, for possible, later chapters!
1. Hewhogotpwndbyababy

**Voldemort**

1) Sing the part of Harry Potter Puppet Pals (The Mysterious Ticking Noise) where he sang his name to Lollipop... for a whole year.

2) Replace his wand with one of WWW's fake wands. Break the real wand 'on accident. Oops!'.

3) Take him to a beauty salon. Let the girls there try to make him 'acceptable' no matter how long it takes, even thought that is impossible.

4) Dye all his clothes pink, and give him a dyed-pink snakeskin handbag for his birthday... in front of his Death Eaters

5) Use the Imperius curse on his Death Eaters so that they start doing an Irish jig / square dance.

6) Bow down and call him 'The Losing Lord' (He-who-got-powned-by-a-baby is also acceptable) for a whole year.

7) Set him up on a dating website... then explain to him how he 'needs to get back in touch with his love life' for three hours, minimum.

8) Let Dumbledore give him 'the talk' after that.

9) Replace Nagini with a plushie toy. Tell him Nagini went to join Snow White when he asks.

10) Give him a love potion that makes him fall for a muggle-born / muggle that hates him... or twenty... probably more. Make sure you get it on video for youtube and to force him to watch later, with the rest of the wizarding population.

**Review please! Flames are fine with me!**


	2. Ole' Sluggy

**Slughorn**

1) Take him to a yoga class... make him participate. Also, sign him up for Gym and make him do ALL the activities, 24/7 for two weeks.

2) Replace all his crystalized pineapple with celery sticks.

3) Make him Santa Claus every day of the year... when he asks why, say he has all fat for the job, and then A TON!

4) Slip some love potion (preferably Amortentia!) in his dessert at dinner. The love potion is for... *insert something digusting here*.

5) In a slug club party, turn all the food into slugs. Or the people. Or both.

6) Ask if you can have a walrus sub for a Potions class and explain IN FULL DETAIL why nobody would see any diffrerence.

7) Set him up on a date with Umbridge... in Madame Puddifoot's Teashop. Tell Umbrige about how 'horny' he is before the date. (IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS IS, DON'T SEARCH IT UP! I'm warning you... _don't _want to know!)

8) Video tape the whole thing. Then, make a video that makes it suggestive that Slughorn has an attraction to our least favorite pink toad. Play it at breakfast in the great Hall behind his seat.

9) Give him some oak-matured mead for Christmas, as a peace offfering for the above 8 things. Hex him while he's drinking it so that it tastes like Polyjuice Potion. Again, in the Great Hall during meal times for maximum efects.

10) Ask him a bunch of baseball trivia for as long as you'd like (well, he _is _'Old Sluggy' according to a _certain_ egotistical prat) or / and accuse him of liking baseball more than Quidditch in front of the teams.

**Review please! Flames are fine with me! **

**Note: Never do ANY of this stuff to anyone! Teasing characters that don't exist is fine... but real people don't really appreciate it! **


	3. DRAKEY!

**I'm sooooooooooo sorry for not updating in ages. Complimentary internet hugs! Here's the next one... Slytherin is really fun to torture... hah!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize.**

Draco

1) Try him in court for child abuse. (I mean, really... who names their kid Scorpius Hyperion... that's WAY more cruel than Albus Severus)

2) Show Asotria some M-rated Dramione while she's pregnant. (you may want to run afterwards...)

3) Bleach all his clothes. And, his hair... and teeth.

4) Remember those good 'ole days when Hermione punched Draco... viral video gold!

5) Get a crazy Draco fan to cover himself / herself in chocolate and scream for 'Drakey!' to lick it off, like last night... at a family Minsitry party.

6) Draco wanted Harry's broomstick, because it's way cooler than his. He wanted it so bad. So, after he couldn't get it when a teacher came down the hallway and spotted them, he switched out his old broomstick and tried to get a cooler one, Harry's broomstick still beat his and Harry then got the best broomstick in existence and Draco wanted it so bad. His dreams were always filled with it at night, his thoughts, and he salviated at the thought. He still couldn't get it, because Harry only let Ginny (well... there were a few times with Ron. Just a few!) ride his broomstick... Harry rode it the most, though!

Have 'innocent' little Scorpius tell his dad this as a bedtime story. Complete it with a present... a picture of Harry's beastly broomstick.

7) Point out that Blaise is WAY hotter than he is... and Hermione is smarter!

8) Push him into the Black Lake, after stealing his wand, and state that you're just trying to find out if he can do anything by himself other than smirk.

9) On Valentine's Day, send him a red, red rose... and a lion. A very hungry lion. And, take his wand.

10) OY... PROFESSOR... PROFESSOR MOOOOOOOOOOOOOODY! We are in need of your services. Draco does not still realize his potential as an acrobatic ferret... as you can see, this is of the utmost urgency! Please, kindly fix it! Thanks you... CONSTANT VIGILANCE to you, too!

**Loved it, hated it, liked it, disliked it...**

**can you please review! Oh, and tell me which one was your favorite torture! I'm curious...**

**~MidnightSapphire15**


	4. Ronniekins

**Hello... don't try this at home kiddies (as in, try it, don't get caught, and when you DO get caught...uh...ATTACK AMAZING PINEAPPLE POWERS!)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize.**

Ronniekins

1) For his birthday, phtotshop of a picture of a weasel and a ferret in 'relations'... make a banner of it to post in the Ministry.

2) Die his hair blonde and tell him it was to match his family, and laugh because he really thought the moaning was from the ghoul... as if.

3) Report him to a St. Mungo's pyschowiz for insanity as the result of severe spattergroit.

4) When he complains about how hard girls are to figure out, send him a Howler listing every mistake he made with Hermione... this may take a while.

5) Travel back in time and have the Sorting Hat sort him into Slytherin.

6) On the menu today is... grass and live spiders... for the rest of the year. Good day, Sir Ronniekissikins!

7) During a ministry party, have Vicky and Cormy dance with Hermione. Let Ron watch from the corner.

8) You know how he was concerned about elves a bit in DH... his new assignment is working on convincing all the purebloods to join WITHOUT A WAND and he doesn't get paid until he does this! Step one: Luscious Malboy...

9) Hugo's first christmas present for him (created by Rosie Posie)... a very convincing illusion of Aragog... back from the dead.

10) Yes, Rita Skeeter! I know all about Ron. First love... oh, well, EVERYBODY knows that! I mean there was never a tale like Weasley and Lockhart... oh, you didn't know that... oh well, too late!

**I hope you liked it... BTW this isn't a basher fic and I think all pairings are actually canon! The hints are just torture for them...thanks for reading it! **

**Review (even if it's a flame... that's fine by me, but I won't respond unless you sign in when you review!).**

**~MidnightSapphire15**


	5. AN

**Dear readers, sorry it has been so long! I took an unexcused hiatus for a while from fanfic, but I'm back now and hopefully i can upload more regularly. **

**So, anyways, many of you left me comments with some ahracters that I should try next. These inculded Lily Evans (since you didn't say potter, I guess you'll be seeing James and lily hate each other humor), Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange nee Black, and Dudley Dursley. Personally, I still hate him a bit, but I think Dudley might change a bit after the whole scenario while the Dursley's left, so this will probably be pre-OotP. I will do each of these first, since I really owe you guys and I think they are good ideas, and such. I will also accept anymore requests you may have for this story that I have not already done. **

**Only time I will probably sound halfway-sane,**

**MidnightSapphire15**


	6. Twixie!

**Disclaimer: I don't have any claim on that dinner of...stuff... there. I FINALLY did it. **

**Claimer: I claim your macadamia nut cookies. **

**HEWWWO! Wi wam walking wike wis cwuz wit wis wute. Actually, I was babysitting my cwouisn..cousin... a bit a week ago and the babytalk got stuck in my head. I never undertood this thing with w's... I'm pretty sure this is why I threw up on people when I was little. That, or they didn't realize what the food tasted like. Question of the chapter: Why must we torture or babies so much? the food, the lack of choices, the embarrassing talk. I thought we were supposed to love babies!**

**With further distraction, KUMQUAT! I had to do that...**

**okay i**

**will**

**start**

**it**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**NOW!**

**xirtalleb iz strange... aka that clumsy girl from twiwite... tlilight...tririte...ah just forget it.**

1. Let her read the Twilight series and let it be known that the clumsy muggle that likes that sparkly 'vegetarian' is based off how others percieve her.

2. Send the rabbit from the Trix sommercial some after her. Yes, he may try to eat her, I mean Bellatrix=trix=yogurt, she must edible. Or, it might be trix=twix, which would explain why the kids would want her.

3. Kill the Dark Lord... nevermind, too late! Maybe we should give her a t-shirt commerating the act? Oh yeah, abuse for the advancement of financial profit! Next step. keychains! then snowglobes! Then songs! That get turned into kidzbop... yes, she may have a cd. A lot of them.

4. 'Not my daughter you bitch!' Point out that this way the most epic part of the battle, not her dramatic 'CRUCIO!', no matter how many times you say it, bitch please!

5. Trixie, trixie... my dear, you are in need of a new image. For starters, all this black! Sparkles are, like, SOOO the new Black! See, I bedazzled your clothes for you, aren't I such a nice little girly girl!

6. Turn her into a human twitter.

7. Bellatrix=Twixie=CRUCIO!=Torture=tortoise=turtle. Therefore, Bellatrix is a turtle. Turtles, as of yet, do not know how to do magic. Therefore, she has no use for that wooden stick-thingy... however, I am a Muggle=mug=coffee=awesome=witch. As a witch, I do need a wand. So I, of course, am totally justified into taking yours, bye Bells! Tootles! La di da!

8. I wonder how easy she'd find it to participate in killing sprees in neon stillettos with a permanenet sticking charm...

9. The next step of devotion: to BE your lord. Try to imitate him... the first thing to go would be that nose... what, isn't it an ear for a nose or something? (though she didn't do that to george, she would have...)

10. You know what, she needs help! Let's give her freud as her pyshciatrist in Umbridge's (Whoops! Umbitch, sorry!) office... wandless, obviously, I already stole it, weren't you paying attention?

**So, even if you absolutel hated it, thank you for taking the time to read my... uhhh... what is this? I'm open to flamers if you really think this... not really a story, but something...deserves one, than by all means go ahead! Just, please take the time to review what you thought, since I actually do like to hear whatever it is you really think and take it into account!**

**Kumquaticussepidus,**

**MidnightSapphire15**


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